Interactive Akatsuki Garage Sale!
by dead drifter
Summary: Kakuzu is hosting a garage sale, and YOU can buy whatever you want! NO NEW CUSTOMERS, PLEASE! BIDDING IS CLOSED! COMPLETE!
1. And it Begins!

**Chapter 1: And it Begins**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**A/N: But YOU can! Kakuzu is hosting a garage sale, and if you see anything you want, make Kakuzu an offer via a Review! **

**RULES/ GUIDELINES:**

**(EDIT) NO Anon reviews. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I would have a problem, but I have a feeling the anon reviews I got are all the same person, and I can't allow that. Sorry.**

**You can only buy up to five things, but they don't all have to be from the same character. **

**You must give an offer of what you will pay (in dollars and cents, I don't understand Yen or Ryous.)**

**If there are multiple requests for the same thing, then it will go to the highest bidder. **

**Include your name, gender and maybe a brief description of yourself or your alter ego, and I will write a chapter just for you!!! **

**There is a small list provided of some possible things for sale, but please, request something yourself if you don't see what you want on the list! Whatever you want, as long as it doesn't belong to Sasori. **

**I won't do this unless I get at least 10 reviews, not because I'm greedy…just because I don't see the point of this if no one gives a shit. **

**Please keep in mind that I don't write fluff. This is NOT a romance, it is Crack Humor. The Akatsuki may not like you…be warned.**

**PS: Sasori's things are not for sale. Kandai bought it all. So don't ask. She gave me the idea for this, so I gave her whatever she wanted.**

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kakuzu and his hired help (really just three of his masked demons) were unloading boxes of miscellaneous shit he didn't think anyone really cared about (even though some of them DID) onto rickety old tables scattered around in the driveway.

The Gumby mailbox was hidden behind a giant fluorescent pink poster that had the words "Garage Sale" written on it in magic marker.

Well, it was _supposed_ to say "Garage Sale," but since Tobi is the one who wrote it, and he can't read or write, it really said "Gay Raj Sail." But people weren't that fucking stupid. They got it.

When everything was set, Kakuzu sat in a moth eaten La-Z-Boy he'd found on the side of the road last month and caressed his calculator lovingly.

"Soon, you shall be full of numbers…Oh, yes…and I will hit the 'add' sign again…and again…_and again_…"

Kakuzu grinned from beneath his mask (his face was sexy, yes, but it tended to frighten little children away, and frightened children meant loss of prospective buyers), lost to thoughts of money making greatness…and then a growl brought him back to reality.

"Hey, quit fighting, you two!" Kakuzu yelled at Bird Brain and Horn Dog. They stopped poking each other and looked to 'daddy' with puppy dog eyes.

Kakuzu glared.

"Don't pull that with me! Just get back in my back."

The missing Falls nin stood up and took off his cloak so his mask demons could…go back home, yeah.

But there was one mask missing.

Kakuzu shook his head and looked around the yard. He found Mr. Chiclets (the one with all the teeth) humping the fire hydrant out by the curb.

"No, Mr. Chiclets, BAD! BAD DOG!"

Mr. Chiclets paused mid hump, cocked his head curiously, and ran to his daddy.

"Get in, shut up and behave."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Hey…_hey_! Wake up!"

"Huh?" Kakuzu snorted. He'd fallen asleep in his La-Z-Boy, and was being shaken by a little girl with purple hair.

"Hey, how much for everything on that table over there? All the puppet stuff?"

Kakuzu's eyes widened.

"ALL of it? There's some very valuable things there…."

The girl grinned wickedly. Kakuzu blinked.

"Money is NO object. I. WANT. IT. _ALL_."

The old missing Falls nin snorted.

"And who the hell do you think you are?"

"Kandai!"

"Riiight…well, Candy-chan…money talks, shit walks…"

The girl smirked and dropped a gigantic money bag on Kakuzu's table, upsetting his bowl of dried fruit and his beloved calculator.

Kakuzu petted the bag and drooled on it for a full five minutes.

Kandai took that time to rifle through Sasori's things.

"Let's see…empty Pledge cans…_of course_…spare arms and legs…a plastic eyeball that once belonged to a Furby from Singapore…a raccoon stuffy with its tail chewed off...ew…ew…EW! I'll leave that here…" Kandai said as she grabbed Itachi's baby blanket and used it to remove a broken vibrator from Sasori's box and put it in a chipped coffee mug instead.

Kandai came across an old shirt with a mysterious burn hole on the sleeve and sniffed it.

"OMG it still has his _smell_!"

Kakuzu snapped out of it when he heard the distinct high pitched squeal of a fangirl screaming, and impulsively grabbed the money bag and slipped it into his cloak.

He looked like he was nine months pregnant, but that was fine with him.

"Thank you for shopping at Kmart. Now grab your shit and go."

Kandai nodded and waved a $50 at an old beat up Ford pickup truck. The truck screeched to a halt and backed up into the driveway.

A pair of Konoha rednecks with magnificent mullets hopped out of the truck, yanked the $50 out of the girl's grasp, and loaded up the truck bed with Sasori's Shit.

The girl hopped in too, and just as the truck was pealing out of the driveway, Sasori happened to walk outside.

He looked around at the tables topped with various broken and used things, and his eyes wandered over to the old truck as it left.

There was a little girl in the bed, waving a wooden arm in farewell.

Sasori's eyes bulged, and his head spun around to face Kakuzu.

"Kakuzu, did you sell all of my spare parts?!"

"…"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

After suffering Sasori's wrath, Kakuzu got out his inventory sheet and crossed off everything under the puppet's name. The old man grinned as he read his list, happy that he'd already made a decent profit, and was looking forward to making even more money off of his colleagues' shit.

AKATSUKI GARAGE SALE INVENTORY LIST:

PEIN

Self Piercing Kit

Candy Cane Crack

Podium

"Kiss the Cook" apron

Umbrella

3rd grade picture

Mirror

Seven Shinobi Swordsmen of Hidden Mist cards (limted edition!)

Rinnegan teddy bear

Plan Z file (only copy)

KONAN

Paper bra

Cigarettes

Girdle

Collection of gay porn

Paper flower

Collection of origami Akatsuki figurines

Empty Zippo lighter

Family portrait

Tweezers

Makeup kit

TOBI

Picture book

Scarf

Gloves

Hot wheels

Teenage mutant ninja turtles pj's

Roller skates

Herd of My Little Ponies

Rugrats sippy cup

Crayons

Finger-painted group portrait of Akatsuki members (his beloved masterpiece)

ZETSU

Jar 'O Dirt

Chia Hippo

Headband (where does he put it?)

Hedge trimmers

Fertilizer

Watering can

Aloe Vera plant named Alice

Giant Terra Cotta pot he sleeps in every night

ITACHI

Contact lenses

N64

Baby blanket

Socks

Fudgsicles

Tae Bo tapes

Diary

Sasuke scrap book

Furby

Knife

Hair Straightener

KISAME

Razors

Samehada

Goldfish

Keys to his '89 Buick Century

Jaws boxed set (AKA shark porn)

Fishing pole

Swim trunks

Surf board

DEIDARA

Toothbrush

Hairbrush

Scrunchies

Eye scope

Dried up Play Doh

TV

Shower cap

Frizzease

KAKUZU  
Mask

Sewing machine

Slimfast shakes

Piggy bank

Wallet

Heart medication

HIDAN

Hair gel

Rosary

Jashin Bible

Spare virgin he keeps in the closet

Unused shirts and sweaters

Lingerie

* * *

**A/N2: Remember, you can request something not in this small list! Seriously!**


	2. Breaking and Entering

**Chapter 2: Breaking and Entering **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**Summary: Everything is good so far, until someone sneaks into the house, upset that there isn't any available Sasori merchandise! **

**A/N: Thank you so much for reviewing, everyone! I will try to go in order, from first review to last, but some chapters may include multiple customers, because that'll be more fun! Plus, since some people want the same things…they'll have to fight over it! XD**

**This chapter is dedicated to (and stars) Ren Ren, who is the number one reason why I bother at all. (huggles)**

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kakuzu was grinning from beneath his mask. Half the neighborhood was now looking at his goods.

The stench of money was so strong that Kakuzu was getting woozy.

"Hey, don't touch the merchandise!" Kakuzu yelled at the Johnson's brat, who was swinging Hidan's scythe around.

The kid broke a lamp, and then dropped the scythe and ran for it.

Kakuzu detached his right arm and grabbed the kid by the scruff of his neck.

"Cough up ten bucks for the lamp, pipsqueak, or else," Kakuzu growled at the poor kid.

"Fine, you ugly old man!"

The kid thrust a Five in Kakuzu's other hand and kicked Kakuzu in the face, causing Kakuzu to drop him.

The little punk ran away yelling "You smell like old pee!" as he went.

"Hey!" someone yelled suddenly.

Kakuzu looked away from his measly five dollar bill to see a small girl glaring up at him.

"Where's Sasori-Danna's stuff?"

"Some kid already ran off with all of the puppet's things…sorry…"

The girl's eyes bulged, making the cute little chibi look rather insane.

"…what? SOMEONE TOOK ALL OF HIS STUFF!? GOD DAMN IT!!"

The girl set down the glass case of Konan's origami Akatsuki figurine collection, Pein's SSSHM (Seven Shinobi Swordsmen of Hidden Mist) limited edition cards, and a best seller, one of Hidan's mesh shirts he wouldn't get caught dead wearing.

"I'll buy this stuff for now…but can't you PLEASE get some more of Sori-kun's things?"

The girl gave Kakuzu the dreaded puppy dog eyes. Too bad for her that Kakuzu wasn't falling for it.

"_Hell no_. I already had to fight that overgrown Barbie doll once…I'm not in the mood for a rematch. Now give me some money and go away…"

The girl smiled sweetly and handed Kakuzu a briefcase.

"Enjoy, you greedy old bastard!"

The girl grabbed her stuff and ran off behind the house.

Kakuzu was too busy drooling over the briefcase full of hundred dollar bills to notice.

The girl pulled a grapple out of her bag, swung it like a lasso, and threw it upwards. The hook gripped onto an upstairs window and the girl pulled herself up.

She perched on the window sill and peered through the glass. It was the bathroom!

And….OMG…someone was taking a shower!

She squinted her eyes over at the shower curtain. It was opaque…she couldn't see anything!

The girl (Ren Ren is her name) looked around the small, steamy room for any signs of who it might be.

There was a discarded can of Pledge…a Suna headband….and….was that a red hair in the comb on the sink?

Ren Ren squealed, as only fangirls can, and licked the glass.

Sasori was in there, alright.

Even wooden puppets need to keep themselves clean! XD

Ren Ren tugged on the window, and to her surprise, it slid up easily.

Holding in yet another fangirl squeal, Ren Ren opened the window all the way (no screen for some reason) and slid into the bathroom. She stood on the toilet, and nearly fell off of it when she heard the shower curtain being pushed aside.

A slender hand slid out of the shower and groped around for a towel.

Blushing furiously and trying hard to hold in a giggle, Ren Ren handed Sasori a towel.

He took it without comment (that Pledge can was empty, so it can be assumed that he was too stoned off of furniture polish to realize that there was a teenaged girl in his bathroom) and it disappeared behind the curtain.

When Sasori stepped out, wrapped in his black towel (complete with red clouds), he finally looked down at the girl.

There was a moment of awkward silence, and then without warning, Ren Ren glomped Sasori.

"OMG OMG OMG! SORI-KUN YOU SMELL LIKE STRAWBERRIES!!! KYAAAA!"

"…!"

Ren Ren pulled Sasori's head down, snipped off a lock of his hair with scissors she'd pulled out of thin air, and smothered his face in kisses.

Sasori was still in shock when the girl went as far as to yank off his towel and leapt out the window with it, giggling like mad.

A small piece of paper fluttered to the tile as she went.

"What the hell just happened?" Sasori asked the empty bathroom.

He looked down at the paper and bent to pick it up (naked XD).

"A phone number?"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kakuzu was stuffing money in his mask when Ren Ren sped past, still cackling like mad while she ran with the damp towel in her hand. She'd tucked the lock of hair in a small glass vial, planning on making Sasori puppet clones with it later on…

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**End chapter 2! Next chapter is all about Hidan, baby! A LOT of Hidan fans out there, it seems!**

**So…to recap: **

**SSSHM cards are GONE!**

**Origami Akatsuki Figurines are GONE!**

**One of Hidan's shirts are gone too, but he has lots, so don't worry!**


	3. WTF Kakuzu!

**Chapter 3: WTF, Kakuzu?!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**Summary: Kakuzu is annoyed with all of the Hidan fans. So is Hidan. **

**A/N: Focused on Hidan's shit, so I grouped a lot of customers together. **

**I wanted Hidan to go on a rampage and start wounding people, but I ended up not doing that because his weapons were gone by the time he went outside. Damn it…**

**WARNING: Sexual Content (nothing graphic). Cursing. Crack. (Just my usual stuff, really.)**

**[EDIT I changed the gender of Marisu, because I'm a dunderhead and didn't realize that 'Marisu' was 'Mary Sue.' Also, I added the Bible to Satoshi's(Nekokyuurei's) list of shit he bought. Yay! I'm not abandoning this story, I was just being emo or something. **

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kakuzu had a nervous twitch going in his left eye.

Why?

Well, there was a crowd of Hidan fanatics screeching at the top of their lungs, holding up money and gnashing their teeth at each other like a pack of rabid dogs fighting over a juicy steak.

"Scythe! Rosary! Bible! Lingerie! OMFG his dirty, bloody shirts!"

"God damn people! For the last time! Hidan doesn't _wear_ his shirts!"

"Can you grab some of his clean shirts then and rub them all over him after a ritual? _Please_?" Lina, who lived around the block, said.

Kakuzu seriously considered murdering her just to make an example for the others.

"NO. No one bothers Hidan after a ritual. Not even me."

"Hey, I'll give you whatever you want for the scythe!" Satoshi, the kid who liked to steal empty cans of Pledge out of the Akatsuki's garbage, said.

"No, he'll just write you a bounced check!" a girl with curly black hair said. "I got hard cash! $500!"

Kakuzu snorted.

"Do you have any idea what I had to do to get that thing out here without Hidan knowing?"

"$1500!"

Kakuzu inhaled sharply.

"Sold!"

"How much for his lingerie?!" A little girl yelled shrilly.

"Where are your parents? I can't sell a little kid lingerie!" Kakuzu said angrily. In fact, all of his customers were teens at best.

"$200 for this black lacy set!" a blonde girl said, shaking the gauzy thing in Kakuzu's face. He might have protested, but she also waved two hundred dollar bills in the old miser's face, and any thoughts of how wrong it was to sell sexy lingerie to a little kid fled from his mind.

"Sold."

"Please…money is NO object! I HAVE to have his rosary!!" a red headed girl with a cigarette in her mouth said, bouncing up and down.

"If I don't get the rosary, I'm going to SCREAM!" another girl with dark curly hair said.

"I'll give you a blank check!" the red head insisted. The brunette grabbed the check and ripped it in two.

"That check is fake! It came out of a box of Naruto O's!" The brunette said angrily, pulling money out of her jean pocket and slapping four hundred dollars on the table.

With a look of incredulous rage, the red head put out her cigarette and pointed at the money.

"Her bills are counterfeit! Please, I have a whole check book, I'll pay ANYTHING!"

"Sorry, cash only."

Kakuzu handed over the rosary to the brunette. She slipped it around her neck and squealed like a fangirl (XD), and it was so high pitched that the house windows shuddered and car alarms all down the street started going off.

"Alright, _stop it_!" Kakuzu howled, hands clapped over his ears.

The girl quieted down, but she didn't leave. She rummaged through the rest of the things, thankfully (for the author at least) non Hidan related.

"Can I have some of Hidan's lingerie, then?" the red head said, holding a bright red lacy set with a mysterious ripped hole in the chest.

"Yeah…are you done now?"

"No, I have GOT to check out Dei's scope!"

The girl skipped rather Tobi-like over to the table dedicated to Deidara's stuff, which was also rather overcrowded.

Kakuzu wondered idly if maybe he should try to get some Hidei action on tape…these fangirls would probably pay out the ass for it…so to speak…

"I'll give you fifty bucks for Hidan's voodoo kit," the girl who bought the scythe said.

"Sure thing, kid."

Kakuzu handed over the rather squashed box, and then nearly fell out of his chair when an owl swooped down on him.

It stuck its leg out, and Kakuzu stared.

The girl with the voodoo kit smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry…my friend has been sending me mail via owl post for the past three months."

She grabbed the owl, pulled off the card that had been tied to the bird's leg, and trotted over to her friends, one of which looked rather like a mini version of Harry Potter.

The old missing Falls nin slid down his mask and popped his heart meds into his mouth. He took a sip of his Coke, and vowed to never again do this. The money almost wasn't worth the stress it put on his heart.

Kakuzu looked down at his Bag O' Money and patted it lovingly.

A little girl with pig tails and what looked like a bad case of chicken pox set Hidan's hair gel and a pink shirt with long bell sleeves and ruffled cuffs on the table.

"I really wanted to get the scythe," she whined.

"Too bad, it's gone, pig tails," Kakuzu growled.

The girl paid for her stuff, and Kakuzu slipped the money in his bag.

"Oy! Grandpa!" Satoshi, the boy with a Pledge fetish yelled, making Kakuzu jump.

"Damn it, kid, don't creep up on me like that!"

"Whatever…I'm all set."

Satoshi put Hidan's Bible, the herd of My Little Ponies, a box of Candy Cane Crack and an old rusted can of Pledge on the table.

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes.

"I don't recall bringing that ancient can of Pledge from 1937 out here…"

Satoshi glanced around suspiciously.

"Er…I found it…"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"Whatever."

"Since I didn't get the scythe…can I have one of Hidan's spikes?" Satoshi asked, sniffing at the Pledge can.

"Sure…why not?"

Kakuzu took the kid's money, and Satoshi ran off, planning to get stoned off of CCC and make My Little Pony kebabs…

The old missing Falls nin petted his money bag again, not in the least bit concerned about the fact that he was selling crack and weapons to minors.

All was rather peaceful until the door banged open and Hidan stormed out, pink eyes bulging with rage.

"What the fuck, Kakuzu?! Oh HELL no, you are NOT making money off of my shit, you old fairy ass mother fucker!"

Hidan ran over to the girl wielding his rosary and pried it out of her hands. However, Kakuzu detached his arms and grabbed Hidan by his hair, pulling him away and handing the rosary back to its new owner.

All of the Hidan fans who were still there squealed and crowded around Hidan, tugging at his cloak and touching every spot of him they could reach.

"QUIT IT! Fuck off, ass wipes!"

Lina was bold enough to slip his ring off his finger.

"Hey hey hey! Give me back my ring, bitch!"

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIDAN!" screeched a girl running down the street.

Kakuzu saw who it was and ducked underneath his table. Hidan would have hid too, but the fans were too strong.

The feared girl was Lauren, the impossible bitch that lived down the street. Old Mrs. Figg, who was rolling by in her wheelchair, paused to let her bulldog Ripper defecate on the Akatsuki lawn while growling and sniping about the gothic girl.

"So much metal in her face it looks like she was hit with shrapnel…strutting around like a whore…terrorizes the neighborhood kids…shameful…"

Lauren flicked the old woman off (her usual greeting) and the fans crowding around Hidan fled before her.

"Oh my God, you're having a garage sale!" Lauren yelled, blowing a heart shaped puff of smoke from her cigarette at Hidan.

Without fangirls holding him down, Hidan was able to distance himself from the Goth.

"Hey, I got one fucking word for you! Restraining order!" Hidan screamed, pointing his finger angrily at the girl.

Lauren smirked around her cigarette and grabbed Zetsu's giant Terra Cotta pot.

"Psh! If you call the cops, I'll just have to tell them that you're selling crack and weapons to minors…"

"Fuck you!"

"Gladly."

Hidan flushed. Then he looked over at the table Kakuzu was hiding under.

"Hey, you pansy, come the fuck out of there! I'm not going to deal with this crazy woman by myself! And you owe me an explanation for this! How am I supposed to pray without my shit?!"

Kakuzu crawled out from under the table, gripping his Bag O' Money as if it were his newborn child.

"Shouldn't faith alone be enough?" Kakuzu grunted distractedly. He was actually backing up slowly, planning on escaping. However, Lauren quickly tossed items in the giant pot and threw it on the 'checkout' table.

"You can run away after I pay for my stuff...old man…"

Kakuzu felt a heart attack coming on. Being within kicking distance of her was not wise.

Inside the pot was Pein's piercing kit, a pack of Konan's cigarettes (Konan and Lauren loathed each other something awful) and yet another set of Hidan's lingerie.

Hidan stalked over to the table when he saw the familiar lacy thing and paled.

"I don't fucking believe you! This is…my most…you fucking bastard! You will fucking DIE!"

"Oh, shut up, Hidan," Kakuzu growled.

"You're wearing lingerie _right_ _now_, aren't you?" Lauren asked slowly, tossing her cigarette onto the cement and stamping it out with the heel of her boot.

"Fuck you, bitch!"

"Any time."

"_Jashin damn it_!"

"Hidan…go away, I'm trying to add…"

"You wouldn't be adding if I had my scythe! You'd be fucking dead on the accursed ground, wrinkled old prune!"

Kakuzu gave Hidan the death glare.

"Let me put this in words you would understand: _Fuck_. _Off_."

Hidan laughed, but it turned into a yelp when Lauren ripped his cloak right off.

"HEY HEY HEY!"

"_Oh my God, I knew it_!"

Something pink and lacy was just barely covering the pale man, and all of the fangirls returned to goggle at the nummy cross dressing priest.

Kakuzu was goggling too.

"Er…thank you for shopping at Akatsuki Mart. Now go away…" Kakuzu muttered, shoving the terra cotta pot in Lauren's face and grabbing Hidan and throwing him over his shoulder.

"Hey, put me down, fuck head!" Hidan bawled, punching Kakuzu's back, but it was useless.

The two disappeared in the house.

A detached Kakuzu arm came back out, set a sign on the table, and went back into the house with the rest of Kakuzu's body parts.

Lauren read the sign and snorted with laughter.

The sign read "BRB Raping Hidan."

Lina grabbed the discarded cloak and smelled it.

"Oh my Jashin, it smells like his aftershave! _Kyaaaa_!"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**End chapter 3!**

**Next chapter will probably contain those willing to buy Kakuzu's things, because he didn't agree to sell his own shit, and since he's…preoccupied at the moment…it would be the perfect opportunity for Sasori to get revenge…**

**CUSTOMER NOTES:**

**PwnKage** (pig tails): **Hidan's hair gel** and **pink shirt**. I never got a description, so I made something up. Hope you don't mind. This is all in good fun, no harm intended.

**Lina**-**Neko** (Lina): **Hidan's cloak** and his **ring** for some reason. You said you're Hidan obsessed, and I felt bad that you didn't get Hidan's scythe, so I thought you might like his ring. Hey, maybe you can join the Akatsuki now! You're going to hang out, cuz you want more things.

**xcupidxstuntx** (Emmy/ red head): **Lingerie**, sorry no rosary. But the lingerie you got is special! It had a ripped hole in the chest, because Hidan happened to be wearing it when Kakuzu pulled his heart out (XD). Poor Hidan tends to be an unwilling organ donor far too often. I don't know if you're going to get anything else yet. Stay tuned!

**randomperson2106 (**Marisu/ girl with curly hair/ has HP obsessed friend):You got the **scythe** and the **voodoo** **kit**! Aren't you excited? I love Harry Potter, and so I added in the little thing about the owl post. Sorry I didn't work in all that much about your character being a Jashinist. I…actually forgot…

**sasukeroxmysox2** (Lauren/ Goth chick): I guess I couldn't get you everything you wanted after all. But you did get some of **Hidan's lingerie**, **Zetsu's giant terra cotta pot**, **Pein's piercing kit**, **Konan's cigs**, and you got to do the honors of scaring the shit out of people and stripping Hidan! I hope your character wasn't too OOC, but it was fun even if it was.

**Twins of Imagination** (Akane/ brown curly haired girl): **Rosary**! Why? Because of the fangirl squeal XD! You're sticking around to get more stuff, so stay tuned!

**xoxkisskissbangbang** (Kiera/ blonde): **Lingerie** (so far.) You're sticking around too.

**Nekokyuurei** (Satoshi): **Bible**, **Herd of My Little Ponies**, **1937 Pledge can, CCC** and **Hidan's** **spike**. You didn't get the scythe, and I felt bad, so I gave you a spike instead. LOL I hope you're okay with me calling you a boy with a Pledge fetish. It's awesome that you mentioned the 1937 can of Pledge, so I definitely let you have it!

**HeraldHealer**: You just wanted Hidan's shirts, and so you'll appear in the next chapter or the one after that. Okay?

**Um…did I forget anyone? I hope not.**


	4. Nab That Uchiha!

**Chapter 4: Nab That Uchiha! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**Summary: Sasori runs away. Kakuzu dies. Kisame's run over. Itachi's kidnapped. Oh yeah, and people buy some shit, un! **

**[EDIT I changed ONE minor detail, so it will make it easier for a customer to come back. Nothing major!**

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sasori crept back out of the house, a gigantic box in his arms and a big puppet grin on his artificial face. He set the box on the ground, flicked the "BRB Raping Hidan" sign off of the table, and looked around the driveway.

"Anyone want to buy some of stitch man's stuff?" Sasori asked the crowd of people.

"Oh hell yeah!" a girl with brown and blue streaked hair yelled, dropping a hot wheels car with a missing tire back into a big bin of Tobi's broken toys and running over to the puppet.

Sasori removed items from the box. When he set a Wii on the table, the girl clapped excitedly.

"A Wii! And you have Guitar Hero 3! YES!"

The girl handed Sasori a ten dollar bill, and the puppet took it gratefully. She also grabbed Kakuzu's small TV, loaded her items into a red wagon and rolled it across the street. She pointed at people randomly, challenging them to a Guitar Hero duel…

"I'll give you…um…$55.99 for his sewing machine!" a girl with her brown hair pulled up into a bun said, pouring her piggy bank out onto the checkout table.

"Okay! Let me see…" Sasori said, counting the change and sorting out the Canadian coins.

"Ooh, can I have Zetsu's Jar O' Dirt?"

Sasori paused and looked over to said jar of dirt. Then he smiled.

"Yeah…I think you'll find a little surprise in there…"

The girl's eyes widened.

"What, the heart of the sea?"

"Er, what? No…just take it and get the hell out of here, if Zetsu shows up, he'll eat you…"

"Oh, well I can summon a sword out of thin air! I can take a giant plant with a dual personality no problem!" the girl said with a cocky smile. Sasori shook his head.

"He'll EAT you."

"But I don't WANT to go yet! I was hoping to buy some of Hidan's shirts…and Dei's hairbrush!"

Something black and white and green all over poked out from the hedge, and Sasori ushered the girl away.

"Come back later!" he hissed.

The girl fled. Sword or no sword, Zetsu was scary as hell.

The half melded Zetsu disappeared, and Sasori relaxed enough to sell some more things.

Soon, the puppet had more than enough money to hire a PI to find his beloved Hiruko, which had happened to be stolen by that weird girl in the pick up truck (Kandai in chapter 1).

Lina, the girl who lived around the block, plucked a large spool of Kakuzu's weird living thread out of the box and handed the puppet two hundred dollars, grinning from ear to ear.

"I think Kakuzu is coming back out, Sasori-san," Lina said with a giggle. Sasori's brown eyes widened.

"Oh, shit…"

"THIS IS MY GARAGE SALE, PUPPET PRICK!" Kakuzu bellowed, bursting out of the house with pink lacy (bloody) panties over his head, his eyes blazing with fury.

"Ooh, gotta go!" Sasori said, fleeing the scene before Kakuzu's detached arm could grab him.

Lina ran over to Kakuzu, hopped up into the air to grab the pink panties off the miser's head, and ran home to add them to her Hidan Shrine in her closet. She vowed to return to the garage sale when Kakuzu had settled down.

She had other things to buy, after all…

Kakuzu sat back down in his easy chair with a groan and much creaking of his limbs, and heaved a heavy sigh.

He wanted to take a nap, but money came first.

Kristi, the girl who owned and operated the lemonade stand on the corner, approached Kakuzu's desk, clutching Itachi's diary to her chest.

"I'll give you one hundred and fifty dollars for the greatest book of all time!" she squealed, throwing the money at Kakuzu.

He waved the bills under his nose, as if it were finely aged wine, and nodded.

"Yours. I'm warning you, though, most of the shit in there is utter nonsense he scribbled down while he was suffering from the effects of a rebounded Mangekyou…"

"Yay!" Kristi said, and walked off, picking the lock with a straightened paper clip.

A tall girl with glasses way too big for her face slapped way over seven hundred dollars on the checkout table. Kakuzu nearly fell out of his chair when she added a pair of panties…as payment.

"I want the herd of my little ponies. Where is it?!"

Kakuzu counted the money and sighed.

"Sorry, sold out."

"Tch! Sold out my ass…I guess I'll just take Hidan's spare virgin. Mine already died. Hey, do you have any food pellets or anything…?"

Kakuzu looked around.

"Well, we HAD some virgin feed in Zetsu's Jar O' Dirt, but I don't see it anywhere. I guess you could toss it some animal crackers, or something."

"Oh, alright."

The girl tugged on a rope, and Iruka, clad in a diaper, lumbered forward. He whimpered feebly, his head bowed, eyes squinted shut as if he were afraid of the light.

Iruka's new owner also bought Kisame's surf board and Konan's paper bra. She put the bra on the virgin Konoha nin and patted his head.

"Come on, Flipper, let's go home!"

Iruka nodded and the girl led him into a white van. Some time later, Iruka would be rescued by his gay lover Kakashi…but he would never be the same again…

A wannabe Rock Lee with "I love Konan' emblazed on the back of his leather jacket swaggered over to Kakuzu with a handful of items: Pein's third grade picture, Itachi's break dancing movies, Kisame's Jaws boxed set, Deidara's cookbook and…

"You're buying a _sippy cup_?!"

The ditzy blonde who'd bought some of Hidan's lingerie pointed and laughed. Mr. leather jacket flicked her off.

"It's not just ANY sippy cup. It's Tobi's _Rugrats_ sippy cup. I bet I could get at least a grand for it on Ebay…"

"A grand…sippy cup…Ebay…? _Give that back_!" Kakuzu snapped, yanking it out of the kid's hand.

He was seriously going to close down the garage sale and try to sell everything on the internet instead, but he was distracted by a car pulling up to the house. Because the driveway was full of people and junk, the old Buick Century had to park on the street.

A shark and a weasel came out of the car, both holding Starbucks cups, and goggled at the garage sale sign first, and then the actual sale itself.

Itachi, who was stoned from the happy gas they'd given him at the dentist, sort of stumbled around, bumping into a girl who had a handful of Itachi's clothing. Including his American Eagle pajamas and his favorite pair of Ralph Lauren boxers.

She looked at him with big, brown puppy dog eyes, he looked at her with only one of his eyes, since the other one was sort of staring off into space somewhere else, and then the girl screamed and grabbed Itachi up in a bone crushing hug.

When she let the poor drugged Uchiha go, she grabbed his green tea frapp with whipped cream and guzzled it down.

Kisame jogged over to Itachi and started to steer him towards the house, but at that moment, he was run over by a ten foot tall My Little Pony with a giant spike protruding from its head.

Satoshi, the kid with the Pledge fetish, was riding that cursed pony, and he galloped around the driveway, citing random quotes from the Jashin Bible.

He galloped over to Kakuzu, who was so shocked by the giant pony AND Itachi's unexpected early arrival that he was suffering a fatal heart attack, and stole the old man's heart medication and his ancient piggy bank.

"Jashin-sama be praised!" Satoshi said, and rode off down the street, seeking out Jehovah's Witnesses so he could convert them to Jashinism…

Itachi, left unguarded and alone, was surrounded by vultures (oops, I mean fangirls) and poked and prodded and drooled over as if he were some sort of delicious new specimen of chocolate.

Speaking of chocolate, the girl that'd hugged him snagged his chocolate cheesecake that Kisame had brought out of the car, and put it in a Kmart shopping cart she'd stolen from BJ the neighborhood bum.

"Ha ha ha…my peanut!" Itachi said when a girl got a little too grabby, and all the fans squealed.

"OMFG I think he's high!"

"Hey…you think the old man will notice if we don't pay?" a girl asked over by the checkout table. She poked at Kakuzu, who was sort of convulsing in his chair, the left side of his face sagging from his stroke.

"You BETTER pay! Zetsu is staring at us from the hedge again…" another shopper said.

Indeed, the overgrown weed was keeping a close eye on the crowd…though he was more concerned with food than theft.

A tall, black haired guy with a sword slung on his back picked up Itachi's knife and put a ten dollar bill on the table Kakuzu was sitting at and walked away, grumbling angrily to himself about Itachi's fangirls.

Akane, the girl who squealed for Hidan's rosary, threw some money at Kakuzu for Itachi's N64. She needed a new one, you see, because she'd gotten so pissed during the last Bowser fight in Mario 64 that she kicked her own Nintendo across the room.

Lina came back, this time with her best friend Eclipse, and they browsed the items, trying VERY hard not to molest Itachi or Kisame, who was twitching on the ground rather like a squirrel that'd just been run over by a car.

Lina bought Itachi's blanket, five of his half melted Fudgesicles and a box of exploding Cheerios, and then grabbed Sasuke-kun, the Uchiha's beloved Furby.

"Sasuke is sleepy!" the Furby said, and Itachi snapped out of his daze long enough to follow the voice of his toy.

"Foolish little fangirls…you lack…fanaticism…"

Just then, a particularly crazed Itachi fan hit the Uchiha hard over the head with Deidara's favorite coffee mug (the Konoha Kyrstal Koffee mug with the limited edition hazelnut glaze) and threw him in a Family Dollar shopping cart. Lina managed to rip off Itachi's cloak just before the crazed girl yelled "mine!" and ran away with Itachi in the cart, cackling madly.

"Tell me a story, Sasuke-kun!" Lina said to the Furby, setting it atop her head.

"A B C D E F G…I will kill your family!"

"Uh…what?"

"Hey…I wanna Furby too!" Lina's friend said, pouting. She had only brought fifty cents, and the other fans had much more dough to throw around in order to get a hold of all the goods.

"Here, you can have Itachi's cloak! It smells like incest!" Lina said happily, tossing it to her friend.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A/N: Yeah…I called Iruka 'Flipper' cuz his name means 'dolphin' in Japanese.

The line "A B C D E F G, I will kill your family" is from Dane Cook. It's hilarious!

Sasuke-kun is right out of my own stories, and his lover, the evil Gumby mailbox (who is hidden behind the garage sale sign right now) will seek revenge for being separated from his Furby. Oh yes…maybe…heh…

Um, I don't feel like going through what each person got. I'm too lazy, and it's been too long since I updated this story, so I needed to just post this damned thing already! Just, figure it out yourself! Ask me in a review, if I was just too damned vague (I tend to be, I know).

**This is the list of everything that is SOLD OUT. **

Pein's SSSHM cards

Pein's piercing kit

Pein's third grade picture

Konan's Origami Akatsuki figurines

Konan's cigarettes

Konan's paper bra

Sasori's things (if you mention something of his from one of my stories, I MIGHT give it to you anyway ;P)

Sasori's 1937 Pledge can

Hidan's hair gel

Hidan's lingerie (thank Jashin that was an item I could have multiples of)

Hidan's cloak

Hidan's ring

Hidan's scythe

Hidan's voodoo kit

Hidan's rosary

Hidan's Bible

Hidan's spare virgin (Iruka)

Zetsu's giant terra cotta pot

Zetsu's Jar O' Dirt

Tobi's Herd of My Little Ponies

Tobi's Rugrats sippy cup

Kakuzu's piggy bank

Kakuzu's heart medication

Kakuzu's sewing machine

Kakuzu's Wii and Wii games

Kakuzu's TV

Itachi's diary

Itachi's pj's

Itachi's N64

Itachi's baby blanket

Itachi's Fudgsicles (he will be SO pissed!)

Itachi's Furby (Sasuke-kun from the Christmas and New Year's stories of mine)

Itachi's chocolate cheesecake

Itachi's knife

Itachi's cloak

Itachi's break dancing movies

Itachi himself (Kisame will get him back though, thinkerandwriter, I fear for your life!)

Kisame's surf board

Kisame's Jaws boxed set

Deidara's cookbook

oooooooooo

If I forgot anything, and you noticed, let me know! Otherwise, oh well. And if you're reading this for the first time, PLEASE READ THE OTHER REVIEWS BEFORE YOU PICK SOME THINGS!

And for those of you who don't have prices, or would like to bid higher on something, DO IT IN A REVIEW! PLEASE! Pretty please, with Kakuzu on top? XD sorry Yaoi moment!

Next chapter: Kakuzu lives! Kisame is PISSED that Itachi got stolen! Sasori calls someone for help from a pay phone (he ran off, if you didn't get that). And, um…maybe we'll get to the mud wrestling match over some of Dei's shit! I think Deidara will make an appearance, and Hidan too!


	5. Mud Wrestling

**Chapter 5: Mud Wrestling**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**Summary: Everyone comes out to play. Mud wrestling match over Deidara's shit! **

**A/N: Eh…not much stuff being sold in this chapter. The Akatsuki characters sort of took up a lot of my time with their silly bullshit…sigh…anyway, enjoy the mud wrestling contest! xcupidxstuntx (whoa too many damned x's, Emmy, seriously! LOL) mentioned mud wrestling in order to get that scope, so I thought that would be fun!**

**The end is kind of rushed….I hope to do a better job in chapter 6. I worked on this chapter on and off for hours…I know, it's surprising, isn't it? I get distracted easily! I had updated fan fiction to read! I had Yaoi involving Deidara dressed as the Chiquita banana lady and weird Kakuzu Mpreg ideas in my head! **

**If I screwed anything up, and you notice, let me know…I am unorganized and….and…I'm going to go pass out now (lapses into coma)…**

**AN UPDATED LIST OF SOLD ITEMS WILL BE PROVIDED AT THE END. PLEASE READ IT. THE DIARY AND MLP ARE GONE, PEOPLE!!!!**

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Things were starting to get REALLY out of hand at what started off as a simple garage sale. Girls were fighting tooth and nail over Deidara's shit, ripping at each other's hair, using the mad fighting skillz of their OC's to knock out their enemies. Random innocent bystanders were getting broken hot wheels cars and chipped coffee mugs lodged in their eye sockets.

Blood and tears flooded the streets. Neighbors thought that the End of Days had come, and were loading up their Mini Vans and SUV's with toilet paper and boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese…

A girl that looked an awful lot like a chibi Deidara was running around the driveway, yanking random things out of people's hands and saying "fuck" over and over again.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" she screamed, her mouthy mantra drowning out the enraged screams of Dei's fans.

The house itself was rather peaceful…and then, suddenly, a flat basketball was shoved out of an upstairs window.

"Hey! Grandpa! It's dinner time!" Tobi called, ringing a bell. He looked around at the goings on below him, and found the old man sprawled on the ground.

"How is your garage sale going, grandpa Kuzu?" Tobi asked, not seeming to realize that Kakuzu was sort of not living at the moment. As in dead. (He has more hearts, he'll wake up in a minute, alright?)

"He…help!" A weak voice called out. Tobi cocked his head to the side, and saw Kisame face down on the lawn, one arm raised in a shaky hello. Tobi waved happily at the squished shark (squish is French for squid shark).

"Hi, Kisame-san! What are you doing on the ground?"

"Hel…hel…_help_!" Kisame said again, this time louder.

"Daddy said no swearing!" Tobi yelled down at Kisame. The poor shark nin passed out, his last efforts to communicate wasted on an idiot.

"Tobi, get back inside, un! If you fall out of the window, Leader will blame ME for it, un!" Deidara said behind the masked man. Tobi turned.

"Isn't Kakuzu's garage sale wonderful?"

Deidara's eyes went wide.

"What? Garage sale, un? But we don't have any junk to sell…unless…Oh God, un!"

Deidara made to push Tobi out of the way, but he ended up pushing Tobi OUT of the window.

"AAAAAH!"

Deidara looked down with a sheepish grin.

"My bad, un!" Deidara yelled as Tobi landed mask first in the bushes.

Deidara took in the scene below him, looking first to Kakuzu, prone on the ground, to the twitching Kisame, and finally to the gaggle of fighting fangirls. Those were HIS things they were clawing at, HIS things they were pulling back and forth like some sick twisted game of tug and war…

The missing Rock nin howled in outrage, his face transformed into something not even remotely attractive. His nose wrinkled up in disgust, his lips pulled back, teeth gritted, eyes squinted, a vein throbbing in his temple.

He looked rather like a rabid dog. Only this rabid dog could blow your fucking shit sky high.

"PREPARE TO DIE, UN!"

"No, Deidara-senpai! NOOOO!" Tobi cried in dismay from the bushes. He was caught by the dry, poky needles and couldn't get out as pineapple bombs started to fall…

"What the fuck are you doing in my room?" a voice said from within the house, and next minute, Deidara had fallen out of the window too, beaten by a simple angry poke in the back by a shirtless priest.

"Oh my God, it's Dei Dei-kun!" a girl squealed, tugging at Deidara's hair.

"Ow, un! Get the hell away from me, UN!" Deidara growled, pushing the girl away. The smell of clay and Dei's banana mango shampoo drove the fans wild, and they tackled him. Deidara screamed as if he were being ripped apart, and well, actually, he sort of was.

Finally, Konan came out of the house and forced the fangirls off of Deidara with a flock of razor beaked flying turtles.

"Thanks, un," Deidara moaned from the ground. He had chunks of hair missing and his hands were hiding in shame, having been sexually assaulted.

"What is this?" Konan asked angrily, looking to the fangirls for an explanation.

"Please, I want Dei's eye scope! I'll give you whatever you want!"

"I'll trade you my nice new shiny purple Conair brush for Dei's used one!" a girl with black hair said, holding up massive amounts of money.

"Un…please, God…not my brush, un…" Deidara groaned. The fangirls started fighting over the brush, and Konan had to break them up before Deidara suffered any more lasting injuries.

"Alright, girls! If you want Deidara's brush and scope so bad, you'll have to mud wrestle for it!"

There was a moment of awkward silence. Akane turned to Suzy, who had stopped cursing, and said "Is Konan a lesbian?"

Zetsu sort of appeared in the lawn, half melted into the grass.

"Yes, she's a dike all right," Zetsu said, and disappeared before Konan's paper kunai could hit him.

"God damned overgrown weed," Konan grumbled.

"Did you call me?" Pein AKA God said, emerging from the van. Konan blinked.

"What were you doing in the van?"

"Um…nothing…" Pein said, blushing. Two other Peins slid out of the back of the van, trying to tip toe back into the house. Konan shook her head.

"I should have known…"

Finally, the last member of the Akatsuki came out of the house, walking rather oddly, as if he had something stuck up his ass. He immediately started bitching at Kakuzu, who was beginning to wake up.

"Hey, you fucking rapist! Next time you try that shit with me, I'm going to…"

Hidan broke off as Satoshi, the Pledge fetish kid, galloped by on his My Little Pony again, ripped the shirt right off of Kakuzu's, um, back, and rode away, a crowd of stampeding Jehovah's Witnesses at his heels.

"This story makes no fucking sense," Hidan said to the sky, where the evil fan fic gods and goddesses devised their evil plots. Kakuzu, shocked from seeing the Hell Spawn that was a giant My Little Pony again, had another heart attack.

"Oh, for the love of Jashin!" Hidan yelled, and dug in Kakuzu's pockets, searching for the man's heart meds. However, he couldn't find them.

"Tough shit, old fucker. That snot must have taken your pills, dude."

Hidan left his comrade there to die (again) and waddled towards the mud pit Kisame was making.

Deidara managed to disentangle himself and Tobi from the bushes, and followed, intrigued.

"Hey, I thought you were a squished bug, un," Deidara said to the shark.

"Leader fixed me right up," Kisame grunted, looking grouchy as he sprayed water onto the ground.

"Hey, where's Itachi-san?" Tobi asked, looking around for the Uchiha. Kisame stopped spraying water out of his mouth and sniffled.

"He…he was kidnapped! And Leader won't let me find him!" Kisame bawled, rubbing at his gills.

"Aw…Daddy, can't Kisame go find his weasel?"

"Don't call me daddy. And no. Not yet. Itachi's been kidnapped at least twelve times this month…he'll turn up in the lost and found at Kmart in a few days, don't worry."

"Oh, poor Kisame-kun!" a girl that sort of looked like a dark version of Temari said, patting the crying shark on the back. Pein grabbed the girl by one of her buns and yanked her away.

"Don't touch me, you sadistic pig!" the girl said, unsheathing her sword.

"Okay, no need for that," Konan said, ushering the girl away from the shark nin.

"Now, everyone who wants to buy Deidara's eye scope and hair brush, get in the mud and fight it out! Anything goes! Last one standing wins!"

"WHAT? NO, UN! MY BABIES!" Deidara cried, running over to the table covered in his beloved things and picking up his brush and nuzzling it.

After a brief spazzy fangirl moment, eight customers who lusted after Dei's stuff stepped into the mud, some of them barefoot, some wielding weapons, one of them singing Christmas carols.

"Oh my God, un, make it stop!" Deidara sobbed, crawling into a fetal position and brushing his bangs.

The Gumby mailbox, enraged with the singing, tore itself free of its spot out at the curb, and tried to hop over to the offensive caroler and murder her viciously. But really, it was just a mailbox, and so, it fell over when it got to the sidewalk, where booger eating brats ran it over repeatedly with their bikes.

(Cue battle music)

"I'm going to take you down, bitch!" a girl with black hair said, circling another girl who had hair the same color as Sasori's and a cigarette clamped in her teeth.

"That's what you think!" Emmy the red head said, and ran at the girl. Akane tripped her and Emmy fell face first into the mud, her cigarette smooshed.

Emmy leapt back up, lit another cigarette, and then kicked Akane right in the kisser. The curly brown haired girl fell, and didn't get up again. Emmy threw her fists up in the air in triumph, and the girl with the dark hair in a bun and purple eyes (Kira) slashed at Emmy with her strange sword, slicing off her arms.

Emmy looked down at her arms, then back to the offending fellow fangirl.

"It's only a flesh wound!" Emmy said and ran forward, burning the girl with her cigarette and then kicking the girl away. She slipped in the mud and fell backwards into Suzy, the chibi Deidara wannabe with the potty mouth.

Emmy was tackled by a girl with brown hair and puppy ears, but managed to wriggle free and kick her in the gut, sending the puppy girl to the ground, where she clutched her stomach, moaning about Hot Pockets for some reason.

Lina's friend Eclipse whimpered and hugged a stuffed llama. Deidara happened to look over at the mud hole, and got up.

"Hey, un! That's mine!" Deidara yelled indignantly, and ran to get his beloved stuffy back.

"No, I want to buy it!" Eclipse whined, pulling it out of Deidara's reach. Suzy, one of the fallen fangirls, grabbed the blond nin and he slipped, falling into the icky mud with a sickening squelch.

Deidara lay there in the mud for a minute, too shocked to move. He happened to make eye contact with the fangirls in the mud with him…which is not a good idea. NEVER look a fangirl in the eye. NEVER.

"OMG Dei! Kyaaaa!" the fangirls (except the winner of the match, Emmy) squealed, and smothered the poor blond with kisses and hugs and even bites. Emmy spit out her cigarette, grabbed up Deidara's hair brush and the scope in her mouth and kicked back in an old rocking chair, watching the show.

"Should we help him?" Konan asked, bumming a cigarette from Emmy.

"Fuck no," Hidan said with a snort.

"Help me, un!" Deidara pleaded to his fellow comrades. Pein popped his candy cane crack out of his mouth.

"Kisame, get him out of there."

Kisame watched with utter terror as one of the girls yanked out a good chunk of Deidara's hair. There was blood. And screaming. And…hands in naughty places.

"I ain't goin' in there! Those fangirls are like sexually deprived piranha!"

"I guess it can't be helped," Pein said coldly, and walked over to Kakuzu, who had finally recovered from his second heart attack of the day.

"When the fangirls stop molesting Deidara, would you fetch that girl's arms and sew them back on? I don't want a law suit," Pein said calmly, and sat down in Kakuzu's easy chair.

"Hn…" Kakuzu grumbled, looking over at the carnage in the mud hole.

"I'm glad I don't have crazy fans like that…" Kakuzu said. But deep down inside, his heart yearned for die hard fangirls. Plus, the idea of molestation by thirteen year olds turned the dirty old man on.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Deidara was hosed off in the backyard by Zetsu (who enjoyed turning the hose on someone else for once. Usually he got the hose when he humped the neighbor's kids.)

Kakuzu sewed Emmy's arms back on so she could get her money out of her pocket and pay for her shit.

Pein decided that the garage sale would be good for business, and allowed Kakuzu to sell off all of Deidara's things.

Lina bought Deidara's TV and his cloak, while her friend made off with Deidara's tooth brush. The ditzy blonde Kiera bought Deidara's hair straightener, while the girl with the black hair and the Green Day shirt bought the missing Rock nin's favorite no clump mascara.

A girl with black and red hair bought Deidara's Frizzease and immediately applied it to her hair, as the fangirl fight prior to the mud wrestling match had made her hair frizz up.

Another customer with silver hair and eyes bought some of Deidara's clay, and snuck some to her friend Kukiko later on that night. Kukiko, the Uchiha kidnapper, would need that clay for her defense, since Kisame would surely sneak off to find his beloved Itachi. Kukiko had the Uchiha duct taped to a chair in her basement, if you wish to know.

The girl with the brown hair and the dog ears bought a pair of Deidara's pants and a ten pack of his scrunchies. She was disappointed at not getting his hair brush, however, and so when no one was looking, she ran behind the house to where the missing Rock nin was still getting cleaned up, grabbed Deidara's hand, and kissed it. Since his hand had been drinking out of the hose, it's tongue was still lolling out when she acted, and so, that one lucky girl got a French kiss from a hand. (Insert Atomic Art's fan girl squeal here XD).

It was getting dark now, and there was still much to sell, so Kakuzu sadly threw everything in the garage, telling everyone to be back bright and early the next day.

No one realized that Sasori was still gone until it was too late…

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sasori had, in fact, fled to the nearest pay phone, which happened to be at the gas station. He unfolded the piece of paper with a girl's number on it and punched in the digits. For some reason, the puppet was afraid to come home. Kakuzu, after all, would be pissed when he found out that Sasori had sold some of his most cherished possessions.

The puppet stared around nervously as he waited for the girl to pick up. Finally, she did.

"Hello?" Ren Ren said. Sasori grinned into the phone.

"Hi, um…this is Sasori…you know…from the Akatsuki?"

There was a pause, then a high pitched squeal. Sasori held the phone a good distance away from him. When the screaming stopped, Sasori put the phone back to his ear.

"Uh…you think you could pick me up, Ren Ren-chan?"

"OMG YESSS!" Ren Ren said breathlessly.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**!!!PLEASE READ THE LIST!!!**

**!!!SOLD OUT ITEMS!!!**

Pein's SSSHM cards

Pein's piercing kit

Pein's third grade picture

Konan's Origami Akatsuki figurines

Konan's cigarettes

Konan's paper bra

Sasori's things

Sasori's 1937 Pledge can

Hidan's hair gel

Hidan's lingerie

Hidan's cloak

Hidan's ring

Hidan's scythe

Hidan's voodoo kit

Hidan's rosary

Hidan's Bible

Hidan's spare virgin (Iruka)

Zetsu's giant terra cotta pot

Zetsu's Jar O' Dirt

Tobi's Herd of My Little Ponies

Tobi's Rugrats sippy cup

Kakuzu's piggy bank

Kakuzu's heart medication

Kakuzu's sewing machine

Kakuzu's Wii and Wii games

Kakuzu's TV

Itachi's diary

Itachi's pj's

Itachi's N64

Itachi's baby blanket

Itachi's Fudgsicles

Itachi's Furby

Itachi's chocolate cheesecake

Itachi's knife

Itachi's cloak

Itachi's break dancing movies

Itachi himself

Kisame's surf board

Kisame's Jaws boxed set

Deidara's cookbook

Deidara's eye scope

Deidara's hair brush

Deidara's toothbrush

Deidara's scrunchies

Deidara's pants

Deidara's TV

Deidara's clay

Deidara's cloak

Deidara's hair straightener

Deidara's Frizzease

Deidara's eyeliner/ mascara (whatever, I called it mascara in this fic)


	6. Kisamemo

**Chapter 6: Kisam-emo **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even Tobi's scooter.**

**A/N: After this chapter, I am sort of going to go in order with the reviewers, keeping an eye out for the highest bidder, of course. **

**!!ATTENTION GARAGE SALE CUSTOMERS! ATTENTION!!!! ATTENTION!!!**

**NO MORE CUSTOMERS! BIDDING IS NOW CLOSED!**

**As of the posting of this story, January 26****th****, 2008, I am no longer taking new bids, new customers or additional requests for other items. All additional reviews concerning bidding or requesting items will be ignored. I'm sorry, but I have plenty of customers already. If you're looking for something else interactive, go read "Dear Hidan" or cross your fingers for the Akatsuki Valentine I plan on doing! **

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sasori nervously waited by the pay phone, careful not to make eye contact with the neighborhood crazies that roamed the streets. Eye contact with crazy people (or fangirls) is NOT a smart move. Finally, a girl pulled up in a purple Barbie bike, complete with a cute basket in the front and purple and pink streamers flowing from the handles.

The red headed puppet's eyes widened.

"You're picking me up in a bike?"

Ren Ren nodded.

"I can't drive, silly! Just get in the basket!"

Sasori hesitated, and Ren Ren started honking a horn.

"Come ON, Sori-kun!"

Sasori managed to hop into the basket, which his cute little butt just managed to fit into. The puppet looked back to Ren Ren, who was giggling nonstop, staring fixedly at his ass.

"Hey!" Sasori said, covering his behind with his hands.

When Ren Ren snapped out of it, she started to pedal, struggling to keep her eyes on the sidewalk instead of the sexy puppet ass right at her eye level. After only going a few blocks, however, the duo came across Kisame, who had stolen Tobi's scooter. The shark nin froze, blinking stupidly at the fan girl and Sasori stuffed in a basket.

"Um…hey, Kisame," Sasori said awkwardly. Kisame nodded.

"Hey."

"Um, can you not tell anyone about this?" Sasori said, blushing as bright red as his hair. Kisame scratched his chin.

"No problem. Can you not tell anyone about THIS?" Kisame asked on Tobi's scooter. Sasori nodded. Then the two Akatsuki members went their separate ways, Sasori to Ren Ren's house, Kisame to rescue Itachi from the clutches of a rabid fangirl…

After half an hour's bike ride (which equals about five minutes by car) the fangirl and the puppet reached the girl's house. Ren Ren parked her bike in the backyard and then climbed through a window. Sasori climbed in after her, and when his plastic eyes adjusted to the dim light of the bedroom, he nearly had a heart attack. There were Sasori puppets all over the room! Some were suspended from the ceiling, some sitting in bean bag chairs, others propped up against the wall or on the girl's bed.

There was a muffled yell from the closet, and Sasori gave Ren Ren a questioning look. The girl simply laughed.

"Don't mind them. Anyway, what do you think of my collection? I made them from strands of your hair!"

Sasori nodded and tried to look pleased, even though he was creeped the fuck out.

"Um, so…thanks for helping me. Ah…Oh, God," Sasori said, falling to his knees and clutching his head. Ren Ren rushed to Sasori's aid, looking worried.

"What's wrong?"

"Pledge…I need…Pledge…"

"There might be some in the closet," Ren Ren said, and made to open it, but Sasori beat her to it. In his sudden fit of Pledge withdrawal, he wrenched open the closet door…and found Neji bound and gagged on the floor. There were other bishies tied up as well, but Sasori hadn't had time to register their faces. He slammed the door back shut and whirled to see Ren Ren beaming at him.

"Do you like my bishie collection? I'd like to add YOU to it, since you're my favorite!"

Ren Ren leaned in then and kissed Sasori lightly on the lips. She quickly withdrew, blushing as red as Sasori's hair. The puppet man blinked.

"Ah…ha ha, I think I should go."

"NO! Wait, I have your Pledge right here!" Ren Ren said happily, tossing the can at Sasori. He caught it and immediately started spraying the shit up his nose. He sighed and grinned at Ren Ren.

"Thanks."

Ren Ren nodded, beaming…

The two ended up talking all night in the girl's room, Ren Ren propped up on her bed while Sasori sat on a purple bean bag chair. By the time the Pledge can was empty, it was morning.

"Oh, crap, I should go," Sasori said, looking at the Digimon alarm clock on the girl's night stand.

"Aw…do you really?"

"Yeah. You know, for a fangirl, you're not so bad."

Sasori walked up to Ren Ren and hugged her, kissing her on the cheek. He pulled away a little and looked into her eyes.

"You have such soft hair," Sasori murmured, brushing a few strands of it out of Ren Ren's face. The girl blushed and sort of went into shock, and Sasori crept out of the window, hoping that Kakuzu's temper had died down by now. The puppet thought about stealing the bike, but Kisame happened to be rolling down the street on Tobi's scooter, blood splattered all over him.

"Hey, can you give me a ride home?" Sasori asked the shark nin. With a heavy sigh, Kisame nodded.

"Yeah, I have to go back home for a little bit anyway."

"Your rescue mission bombed, didn't it?" Sasori asked as he got on the scooter and grabbed onto Kisame's waist. Kisame's face fell.

"It bombed alright. That damned fangirl had some of Deidara's clay!"

"Ah…then you will need to bring Deidara with you if you plan on getting Itachi back before he ends up in the lost and found at Kmart."

Kisame said nothing as he scooted away.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The puppet and the shark managed to sneak into the house before Kakuzu woke up.

After a hearty breakfast of Naruto O's and prune juice, Kakuzu went outside to start up the garage sale again. There were a dozen or so fans camped out on the front lawn, and when they saw Pein come outside in a gaping bathrobe, scratching his ass and mussing his hair as he fetched his newspaper, the fans awoke and started to annoy the hell out of him. Pein hastily ran back inside the house, but not before getting his robe ripped off, exposing his tighty whities with a big target symbol on the butt.

"Hey, old man!" a tall girl with glasses too big for her face yelled, storming up to Kakuzu just as he placed his beloved calculator on his table. He caressed it lovingly, murmuring sweet nothings to its little screen before snapping his head up to glower at the girl.

"What?!" he barked. The girl bawled her hands into fists, teeth bared.

"I demand a refund! My virgin was stolen last night!"

The girl held out her hand, and Kakuzu laughed and pointed at a sign taped to the side of the house that said "NU RIFFUNDZ."

"No refunds?" the angry girl read out loud. Kakuzu nodded.

"Yep. It's written in Tobi letters, but you get the point. Now shove off before my pain meds wear off."

"NO! I want something to replace that virgin! I wanted to sacrifice Iruka on the full moon, he should have lasted until then!"

Kakuzu shook his head, so the girl took things into her own hands. Using her super human fangirl strength, she grabbed Kakuzu up, slid down his cloak and stripped his shirt right off of him. Kakuzu hugged himself, feeling violated as she even snagged the pendant that had been under the shirt. She opened up the locket and squealed.

"Oh my Jashin, you keep a lock of Hidan's hair in a pendant?! Hee hee!"

The girl ran off, satisfied with her refund. Kakuzu went into shock, not quite a stroke, but close to it. During that time, Hidan, Deidara and Tobi went outside to see if they could sneak off with their things before Kakuzu snapped out of it. However, Zetsu emerged from the ground just as Deidara was trying to make back to the house with his beloved Madonna cone bra.

"**Leader said everything is for sale. Drop the bra, or I will eat you."**

"_Please do what he says,, Deidara-san. Chocolate Cookie is grumpy today."_

Not wanting to upset a grumpy Zetsu, Deidara dropped the bra, and Lady Spyder, a sword wielding chick that looked rather like a dark Temari ran up and grabbed it, cackling with glee.

"I'll give you $30 for this, it might come in handy at a Madonna convention!" she said, throwing three tens at Kakuzu's face. Deidara whimpered.

"But…but how am I going to vogue without the cone bra, un?"

"You are such a fucking fag, Blondie," Hidan sneered as the sword chick started to slink towards Kisame's things, acting as if no one could tell she was Kisame's biggest fan. The shark nin himself was shut up in his room, crying into his pillow because Deidara wouldn't help him rescue Itachi.

"I am not gay, un! I just…what about you and your butt buddy, Kakuzu, huh? Un?" Deidara retorted, now slinking off with his favorite coffee mug. Zetsu tripped him and Tobi caught the mug as it flew out of Deidara's hands.

"What the fuck are you talking about, butt buddies? Kakuzu is a rapist, not my seme!"

"What's a seme?" Tobi asked sweetly, handing the coffee mug to the rabid Suzy, who rubbed crusties out of her eyes and started spouting obscenities again, much to everyone's annoyance.

"A seme is—"

"Don't pollute Tobi's innocent mind, Tobi is a good boy," Zetsu growled at Deidara, now standing upright and looming over everyone else.

"Whatever, un. I guess I'll go back inside and listen to Kisame piss and moan about Itachi…"

"Hey, bring Kisame out here!" Lady Spyder said, setting down a some of Kisame's things on the checkout table. Kakuzu snored in his chair, some of his threads wrapped tightly around a money jar he'd decided to bring out in place of his Bag O' Money.

"Un…that's not a bad idea. I'll be right back," Deidara said, and disappeared into the house. A few seconds later, there was an earth shaking explosion, and Kisame jumped out of an upstairs window, whimpering about crazed fangirls and the Unibomber.

"Go visit your fans, maybe if you befriend them, they can help you get Itachi back, un!" Deidara called from the kitchen window. Kisame blinked up at his biggest closet fan, and Lady Spyder blinked right back.

"Same-kun!" she said, and grabbed the shark nin up in a bone crushing bear hug. The depressed Kisame did nothing to fight the girl off.

"Get your hands off of Kisame, RIGHT NOW," Kakuzu suddenly said, awakened from his nap/ temporary coma.

"Whoa, buddy, chill!" Lady Spyder said, letting go of the shark nin. He slid to his knees and hugged himself, rocking back and forth and singing a lullaby.

"Kisame-san, why don't we go swimming?" Tobi asked kindly, pulling Kisame to his feet and starting to guide him towards the house.

"Yeah…swimming," Kisame murmured, wiping at his wet eyes. Lady Spyder's eyes widened, it was obvious she wanted to follow Kisame into the house, but she held her ground and decided to purchase her shit.

Kakuzu cleared his throat and punched prices into his calculator.

"Alright, fish bowl, Kisame's chapstick…wow, that's really weird, Deidara's cone bra, Tobi's shark teeth necklaces…"

The masked moron, who was just about to enter the house, paused and turned around.

"Tobi's shark teeth necklaces? But Grandpa Kuzu, you can't sell those! Tobi loves his 'Same Teeth!"

Lady Spyder quickly pulled out her sword, ready to protect the collection of naked Akatsuki themed Barbie dolls she also had on the table. Tobi's barely visible eye widened.

"My…my dolls! And NOOO! Not Zu Zu's Jar O' Seed?!"

Tobi lunged at Lady Spyder, who sliced Tobi right in half. However, using his mysterious jutsu, the basketball head was unharmed.

"Ha ha ha! That tickles!"

Tobi might have lunged at the girl again, but the pretty Pein with the pony tail (the one some people claimed as Dein) came out of the house at that moment, distracting Tobi with his cloak billowing open to reveal baby blue lacey lingerie that just barely covered his naughty bits.

Lady Spyder turned completely red, as if she'd been dipped in a pot of boiling water, and she quickly paid for her stuff, threw it in a duffle bag she summoned out of thin air, and grabbed Pony Tail Pein by the hand and ran off with him. Kakuzu watched the girl go in disdain. He would have run after her, but he wasn't in the mood. Plus, Hidan's bitching had distracted him from his money.

"That fucking prick was wearing my favorite lingerie! Bastard!"

Hidan was still complaining about the lingerie when the blonde ditz who'd already bought some of his prized lacy things set down his Easy Bake Oven, as well as Tobi's Furby (Sai Furby) and Kisame's ceramic fish underwear.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Hidan asked the girl as she handed Kakuzu money.

"I'm shopping!" she said, grinning at the priest. Hidan grabbed the oven and tried to make off with hit, but Kakuzu easily yanked the oven out of his grasp and gave it back to the girl.

"You don't need it, Hidan. All you end up doing is feeding everyone undercooked cookies and making us all sick."

Kakuzu smiled at the girl, since she gave him over four hundred dollars for shit that was probably only worth four dollars.

"Thank you for shopping at Akatsuki Mart. Now fuck off before Hidan sacrifices you to his made up god."

"How DARE you, fucking heathen son of a cheap whore!"

The blonde girl put Sai Furby on top of her head and skipped away.

"Let's play a game, Sai Furby!"

"You lack penis!" Sai Furby said. The girl just giggled.

"Next!" Kakuzu said to the crowd of shoppers.

A girl with long silver hair and glasses ran up to the still stunned Tobi, ripped his mask off of his face (even though it was super glued in place) and put it in her cart with her other items which included Konan's entire collection of gay porn, Konan's Limited Edition gold plated Zippo lighter and ten pounds of Deidara's clay.

Tobi ran into the house before anyone could see his face and realize that he was really (CENSORED).

The silver haired girl approached Kakuzu with a grin.

"Hey…I have one more item I'd like to buy, Kakuzu-san!" the silver haired girl said. Kakuzu nodded.

"Yeah, you preordered it…but I'm not sure if…"

"Just hand them over, old man!"

Kakuzu sighed and looked to Hidan, who was still bitching under his breath about lingerie and Easy Bake Ovens. He paused, however, when Kakuzu suddenly plucked Hidan's pink eyes right out of his head.

"AAAARGH! WHAT IN THE FUCKING HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!!"

The girl quickly placed the prettiest eyes in the land into an old Surge 2 liter bottle filled with formaldehyde and ran off.

Kakuzu sewed Hidan's mouth shut and duct taped him to an old computer chair with the stuffing ripped out of it. Hidan's muffled ranting started to drive the old man insane.

"Don't fucking worry about it, Hidan! Your eyes will grow back in a few hours anyway!"

Kisame shuffled back out of the house then, clad in his red swimming trunks, his Samehada slung over his shoulder.

"Can I go swimming now?" Kisame asked, looking around. Kakuzu shrugged.

"Uh, go ahead. Just make sure you—"

A girl with long, multicolored hair and a sword at her back suddenly ran up to the shark nin and stole his Samehada and Itachi's necklace, which had happened to be in Kisame's right pocket, and ran off, throwing a briefcase full of money at Kakuzu as she went.

Kakuzu quickly opened up the briefcase and went into shock as he saw how much money was inside it.

"Money money money…" Kakuzu murmured, drooling over the stacks of bills. Kisame sniffled, upset that the only heirloom of Itachi's he had managed to save was now gone. Not to mention his beloved Samehada.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**REMEMBER: NO MORE CUSTOMERS! NO MORE BIDS! NO MORE REQUESTS! **

**In this chapter, the following items were sold:**

**Kisame's Samehada**

**Itachi's necklace**

**Konan's gay porn **

**Tobi's Furby**

**Kisame's undies**

**Hidan's Easy Bake Oven**

**Toby's Mask**

**Konan's Lighter**

**Hidan's eyes**

**Pony Tail Pein**

**Kisame's fish bowl**

**Kisame's chapstick**

**Deidara's Madonna cone bra**

**Tobi's shark teeth necklaces**

**Tobi's Akatsuki themed naked Barbie**

**Zetsu's seed (but there's lots of that shit)**

**Kakuzu's shirt**

**Lock of Hidan's hair (more of that too)**

**Yeah, I think that's everything. Next chapter! I…I don't know what's going to happen, other than more shit will be sold and Kisame might get Itachi back from Kukiko (thinkerandwriter). **


	7. Closing Shop

**Chapter 7: Closing Shop **

**Disclaimer: Own nothing. **

**A/N: LAST CHAPTER. FREE AT LAST! **

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later that day, Kakuzu was running out of shit to sell. It was nearly time to close up shop. Until next year. Suzy finally managed to get a hold of some things. She set down a box full of Itachi's kunai, a set of chipped coffee mugs with Konoha Krystal Koffee emblazoned on them in faded letters, several hampers full of dirty laundry belonging to nearly everyone (except Konan, who kept her laundry separate), and even a bag of Hot Cheetos nicked from Deidara's underwear drawer.

Kakuzu, tired of Hidan's bitching about his lack of eyes, had wrapped a badly knitted scarf from Tobi over his face like a blindfold and stitched the priest's mouth shut. For good measure, Kakuzu threw the annoying complainer into a large tote filled with scratchy sweaters that Hidan had gotten for Christmas.

Kisame's sniffling also got on Kakuzu's last nerve, and so he ordered Deidara to help him go get Itachi back.

"What? I don't want to, un!"

"Itachi-san…oh my God, what if he's dead? What…what if he was waiting for me, thinking I would rescue him…and he…he died cursing my name?"

Kisame sobbed even harder and Deidara held his hands to his ears.

"Fine, un! Just shut the hell up!"

Kisame looked down at Deidara and grinned, wiping his tears from his little eyes.

"Should we take the scooter again?" Kisame asked. Deidara snorted.

"Don't you have a car?"

"Ah…true."

"Anyway, I plan on selling the scooter," Kakuzu said coldly from his La-Z-Boy. Deidara shook his head.

"Karma's going to bite you in the ass for this, old man, un!" Deidara yelled, pointing a finger angrily at him. Kakuzu shrugged.

"I lost some valuable things myself…but I have enough money to buy it all back, and more."

Kakuzu patted his Jar O' Money lovingly. Kisame grabbed the keys to his '89 Buick Century and he, Deidara and Sasori for some reason drove off in hopes of getting Itachi back. Before he ended up in the lost and found at Kmart again.

Kakuzu's fondling of his Jar O' Money was rudely interrupted as a girl with brown and blond streaked hair walked up to his table, hefting a large box onto it. Zetsu popped up out of the ground as Kakuzu looked over the items, adding up prices in his calculator.

"Let's see here…Chia Hippo, can't say I'll miss that, a Martha Stewart watering can, a bag of Zetsu's Zangy Fertilizer and a pair of Konan's tweezers."

"**Eden-chan, why are you buying my Chia Hippo? I will be lost without him."**

"_Eden is a good girl, she will take good care of him,"_ Zetsu'd white half said, smiling fondly at the girl, who happened to be Zetsu's main supplier of Miracle Grow, which we all know is crack for plants.

"Uh, yeah!" Eden said, quickly running off with her things, secretly plotting to light the Chia Hippo on fire later that night…

"Next!"

A girl with curly blue hair skipped up to Kakuzu and started taking pictures. Kakuzu shielded his eyes, the flash promptly blinding him.

"Argh, get that shit out of my face!" Kakuzu snarled, extending his arm to grab her camera and crush it in his hand. The bluenette was unfazed of course. She looked around curiously.

"Hey, do you think I could buy Hidan? I'm sure you want him out of your um, tentacles, right? I'll pay you ten grand I swear!"

Kakuzu's eyes widened.

"Really? Yeah, he's in that tote of old Christmas sweaters. Take the whole thing."

The girl squealed happily, set a briefcase on the table and leapt over it, glomping Kakuzu. He nearly fell out of his chair. When the girl climbed off of him and hauled the tote away, Kakuzu shook his head and opened the briefcase. He squealed much like a fangirl himself and shoved the entire briefcase down his pants. Life was good. No Hidan, lots of money…the scent of fresh bills wafting in the breeze…

And yet, MORE money was on its way. In the form of a girl with straight black hair. She came up to Kakuzu with a box of cookies and brandishing a shiny purple hairbrush.

"Hey, can I buy Tobi's masterpiece?" She asked, and opened up the box of cookies. An envelope full of untold amounts of money was tucked into the side, and Kakuzu snatched it out. He opened the envelope, quickly counted, then nodded.

"Sure thing. Anything else?"

"Yeah, is there another one of Deidara's brushes lying around? I didn't get his favorite one…and I'll trade for this shiny purple one!"

"Hm…I think he has a spare…" Kakuzu said slowly, "let me check."

Kakuzu detached his right arm and it crawled into the house via an open window. In less than ten seconds, it came back with a pink Lisa Frank hairbrush, bedecked with frolicking neon colored kittens. The girl screamed with delight.

"Oh my God thank you so much! And these cookies are for Dei-kun, but ONLY if he shares with Tobi!"

"Er…when he gets back from his rescue mission, I'll be sure to tell him that…"

"Thanks!" the girl said, and ran off to put the brush in her Deidara shrine…a lot of girls had those. Of course, Tobi's shrine to Deidara was the best, but no one knew that. Antartique, the girl with silver hair and eyes, came back and threw a quilt (a gift Kakuzu made for Hidan) and Mr. Chiclets on the table. Kakuzu's green eyes bulged.

"Mr. Chiclets? Wha…I thought you were in my back? How did you get out?"

"I would like to buy them, please."

Kakuzu glared.

"I don't think so."

"Everything is for sale, Kakuzu," Pein said coldly. He was standing in the doorway, Konan peering over his shoulder with an equally cold stare. Kakuzu swallowed.

"But…but Mr. Chiclets is my baby!"

"And you are selling him. Go ahead, girl, take the demon and the blanket. Before Kakuzu crushes your windpipe."

The girl didn't have to be told twice. She threw money at the shocked old nin and ran off with Mr. Chiclets, who was wrapped in the quilt. Kakuzu's eyes watered.

"My baby!"

"Here we go," Konan sighed, and pushed Pein out of the way to comfort the old man.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Meanwhile, Kisame, Deidara and Sasori reached the house where Itachi was being held prisoner.

"This is it. You sure you can go up against her? She seems to know how to use your clay," Kisame said to the missing Rock nin. Deidara snorted.

"She's an amateur at best. Not a real artist like me and Danna, un!"

"You're not an artist, Deidara. You blow things up. That's hardly art, it's more likely just an immature boy's sad attempts at distracting himself from the pain of puberty."

"Shut up, un! I am NOT a boy, I'm a man, UN!"

Kisame shook his head.

"Don't start arguing now! That fangirl is scary!"

The three left the car and approached the house. Kisame stiffened, listening hard.

"Oh my God, I can hear Itachi!"

Kisame ran to the side of the house where there were windows low on the walls, basement windows. Kisame clawed at the block glass. He couldn't see anything, but he kept whimpering Itachi's name. Deidara rolled his eyes. And then he ducked as a winged tyrannosaurus rex fell down to the ground and blew a great big crater in the front lawn.

"Holy shit, un!"

"She has skillz," Sasori said softly, nodding sagely. Deidara looked up to see a girl with black and red hair leaning out of an upper story window.

"Itachi is MINE!" she yelled, and dropped a clay stegosaurus this time. Deidara started to form his own clay creation, and then he was grabbed from behind. Sasori's eyes widened.

"Reinforcements!" he cried. Indeed, the girl who had won the mud wrestling competition earlier had tackled Deidara to the ground. Renren was there as well, and Sasori only shook his head sadly.

"I knew you wouldn't let me go so easily," Sasori sighed. Renren glomped the puppet. Kisame scratched at the glass, whimpering like a dog that can't get over the fence to a bitch in heat.

It isn't known what happened to Kisame. The authoress would like to think that Lady Spyder stopped by while walking Dein and picked him up, promising to take good care of him. Who knows what Sea World would do if they got a hold of the poor sexy shark nin. Prostitute him to all the sex deprived walruses, most likely.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Back at the garage sale, Konan had managed to calm Kakuzu down so he could sell off the rest of their things. Tobi cam back out wearing an actual deflated basketball duct taped to his face, since a rabid fangirl had stolen his mask.

"Hey, I want to buy Tobi!" a girl with dark hair falling into her eyes said. She grabbed Tobi by the hand and guided him over to Kakuzu's check out table. The old man just sighed.

"Fine. How much you going to pay?"

The girl gave him a creepy smile and tossed two hundred bucks on the table. Kakuzu shuddered.

"The idiot's yours."

"Hey, where are you taking Tobi?" the masked moron asked. The girl simply giggled and put Tobi in her red wagon and tugged him away.

"Bye bye daddy! Mommy! Zu Zu! And Grandpa Kuzu! Tobi loves youuuu!!!"

"Good riddance," Kakuzu growled. A girl in a long red dress approached then, cuddling the Chouji and Shika Furbies in her arms. She also had several other items, all belonging to Deidara: some of his Play Doh, a necklace he'd made out of Polymer clay beads and a bottle of his favorite Blueberry Bubble shampoo.

"Omnomnomnom!" Chouji said, while Shika Furby muttered "Troublesome!"

"Aren't Chouji and Shika Furbies cute?" the girl said, grinning happily. Kakuzu nodded.

"When they're bought and paid for, they sure are…"

The girl happily paid for her things and skipped off to give her new friends baths.

Brooke and Jen, who lived in the old creepy blue house on the corner, walked up to the drive. Brooke noticed something deviously evil laying down on the sidewalk and ran up to it while Jen ogled Konan's display of papier-mâché fruits and veggies. She started giggling at a cucumber with 'Tobi Wuz Heer' written on it in purple crayon.

"Hey, Jen!" Brooke said happily, dragging none other than the evil Gumby mailbox over to the checkout table. Jen dropped a banana and eyed the mailbox warily.

"That thing is the spawn of Satan!" Jen shouted. Brooke giggled.

"I know! I'm going to kill it! Wanna help?"

"Sure! Let me shop a little more, first. I want that Ninja Nascar set!"

While Brooke held onto the evil mailbox, which seethed silently and plotted world domination, Jen shopped around for anything she could find. Another customer walked up the drive, this one made entirely out of glass. She quickly scooped up anything left of Hidan's and Zetsu's and put it on the check out table.

"Zetsu's hair clip, Zetsu's Venus Flytrap "finger" painting, his tooth sharpener, Hidan's scythe polishing kit, Hidan's used copy of 'I'm Not In The Closet: The Hand Guide to Fairies in Denial,' his photo album of his old kitten Pussyfoots and Itachi's bottle of Windex," Kakuzu said, smirking at the last item. He loaded the items up in the glass person's cart.

"Thanks a lot!"

"Yeah…sure thing, weird glass person," Kakuzu said, resisting the urge to poke her and see if she shattered.

Brooke and Jen walked up and deposited money at the old man.

"Are you done? I'd like to go eat dinner now, it's after 7," Kakuzu growled.

"One last thing, Kuzu-chan," Jen said, smirking. Brooke snickered in her hand. Kakuzu sweat dropped, looking alarmed. Jen had a hungry look to her shit brown eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I want to buy…you!"

"What?!"

Jen bonked Kakuzu over the head with Pein's pimp daddy cane and threw the old missing Falls nin's limp body into a Kmart shopping cart and Brooke threw her mailbox in there, and the two ran back to their house, cackling with glee.

Pein and Konan had watched the show with detached interest.

"Well, it's just you and me, me, me, me and Zetsu," Pein said. Konan rolled her eyes.

"I was hoping more of you would have gotten stolen. I can't handle ONE of you."

"Oh, don't start this again!" Pein yelled.

"I don't want to deal with you alone! We need to get the boys back!" Konan screamed back, prodding a finger in Pein's chest.

"They'll be fine! And why do you want the others back?! You got a thing with Itachi, don't you?"

"NO, I just like their company! I especially miss Tobi!"

Haku, the girl who bought the Chouji and Shika furbies, suddenly appeared out of nowhere, slunk easily by Konan and Pein who were still arguing in the doorway, and came back out the back door with Long Hair Pein over her shoulders. She took off into the dark. Pein sighed.

"The Pein Chain is down by two. Fine, I'll hire some help…"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Pein used some of Kakuzu's hard earned money to pay a fangirl serial killer to get the missing Akatsuki members back. Her name is not important. But if you ever see a woman with short purple hair and red eyes…flee the area at once. If she is after you, however, and you see her, you are already dead.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Epilogue

The Akatsuki, once returned to their rightful home, had to use all the money Kakuzu earned to get new things. In the end, the garage sale didn't really work out. Pein banned Kakuzu from organizing any sort of sale without his permission. Whether Kakuzu actually obeyed was another story…

END!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**I would like to thank everyone for waiting! This story is over, but do not worry, there are many more stories to tell. If anyone was left out, I sincerely apologize. I tried to include everyone, but I tend to forget things, or overlook others. **

**The Gumby mailbox didn't end up getting revenge, he was sacrificed by Kikyo Uchiha (Brooke) instead! **


End file.
